It's So Complicated, It's Simple

I was thinking about all the things that could have, did and could go wrong in my life. I have come to one conclusion, it's so complicated, its simple. So here it is, Life Lesson #101.


Life Lesson #101: Life is not that hard, you make it harder than it is. You hustle and hurry, trying to squeeze so much into 24 hours. I speak from vast experience, you become the worst part of you.


I use to holler and scream at my kids, swear, say things that I really didn't mean. I wasn't the greatest parent, my ex wasn't either. At the end of each day though, I told them I love you and kissed them goodnight. It is hard to point that finger at yourself, but when you do, you see who you don't want to be.  I made my life harder than it needed to be. This effected my kids, I hope and pray that they don't make the same mistakes I did. 


Now that I am older, a bit wiser,(I hope) I found that it is exhausting to be pissed off all the time. So.. therefore, I went in the complete opposite direction. I became a silly, goofy, slightly crazy, 47 year old. This is also exhausting. Do you know how hard it is to laugh all the time. I have made it my personal mission in life, to make at least one person smile a day. Sometimes it is though my blogs, or sometime I will say something so outlandish to someone, they shake their head and walk away, laughing. that's just fine with me.


It is so hard to fight with someone you love, and it hurts. My husband I don't fight, we have a tiff now and then. It is more like debates. I say what I have to say, and he says what he has to say, and we leave it alone. If I don't talk to him for about 2 hours, he will say something to make me laugh. I hate that because I cant help but not be mad at him.  Yes we get mad at each other, but barely do we scream. (I raise my voice a bit sometimes) Never go to bed angry at the one you love. Tell them, even if you are mad at them, I love you, before you go to sleep. It goes a long way. 


One of the biggest mistakes I made was, I expected help, but never really asked for it. I should have asked. I could have gotten myself out of many a rut, if I hadn't thought I was entitled to help. I depended on other people way too much, never on myself. I found out after I met my husband, how strong I really was. It just took me 40 years to realize it. (about 30 years too late) 


Get over it. If you had a hard past, just remember that it was then, its not now. I see so many people hang on to the past, like if they let it go, they let go of a piece of who they are. You are who you are. Yes, your past shaped you, but if you are over 21, you make the choices. You can be or do whatever you want.(please keep it legal) I thought of myself as a victim, so that is who I was. Later it turned to anger, then that is who I was. Then, I let it go, and I am who I want to be now.  Its so complicated, its simple. You can remember the past, don't dwell in it.


Take time to listen, shut your mouth and listen. (I'm still working on this one) You may think you do this, but you are so busy with what is going on in your brain, you really don't hear shit. I am trying to get my husband to work in this. I hate to quote the Alcoholics Anonymous big book, but there is a passage I like to live by. My friend Brad told me this, and it stuck with me. "You are where you need to be at this very moment in your life." The rest of the day will work itself out. 


Oh and if you find yourself angry at something or someone, use sarcasm, and laugh.  It's just that simple.  I rambled a bit on this, but that is what I do sometimes. 

Take a Minute

You know the saying, one step forward, two steps back?  I have been suffering from that for the last 6 months.  I was lost when I lost my job, more like I lost the structure that my life was built on.  When I tried to get things done, I would fall ten steps back. I have found that if you take a minute to do one small thing for yourself, things manage to work themselves out. 

Life Lesson # 66:  When all else fails, fake a smile.  Sometimes in life we all have to just grin and bear it. How do you do that?  It is very simple, laugh at yourself. Think of the most goofy thing you have ever done, and smile. People will wonder, then you can laugh at them. Life is too short, pretty soon you wont have to fake it anymore.

Life Lesson # 79: If you are being driven crazy, take a drive.  Sometimes you just have to get away from everyone and everything. Go to a park, find a beach,(now that it is summer) head to the mountains, anything.  Just get the hell out of Dodge. I find that loud music and a car go really good together when you are pissed.  

Life Lesson #95: Find something to do that is fun. Talk your other half into a water balloon fight, better yet, get the water cannons out. Call your friends and start a softball game or football game.  It is so much fun to tackle your friends. Get your ass outside, make your kids hang up the phones and the game controllers and kick them out of the the house. Now with that in mind, I cant go into the fun stuff for adults, lets just say there is a song from back in the 70s called Afternoon Delight. Look it up and you will know what I mean.(a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste)

Life Lesson # 39: Sometimes it is better to just sit.  Go find a tree, a bottle of wine, a blanket, a good book, and just sit. You need time to decompress your brain.  In my case, its to find my brain. I'm sorry I lost it long ago, I forgot.  Seriously though, you need to just breathe for a while. Shut off the cell phone, put away the laptop, tell the world to fuck off now and then.

Life Lesson # 88: In the immortal words of the Divine Miss M. a.k.a Bette Midler, Fuck em if they cant take a joke. Forget the bullshit that people use to clog your day, and when they piss you off, just smile at them.  You see, you know something that they don't know. They are stupid people, and stupid people need to be laughed at. This is so much better than being pissed off all the time. 

Take a minute to take care of yourself, laugh every chance that you can, smile because you can.  Life will take its toll, the trick is to get out of paying. Sanity is an illusion, especially if you have kids. 

It Aint Easy Bein Teen: Teen Life Lessons

Disclaimer: Parents please read this first. 


I was looking through my facebook the other day and I read a post from my nephew Jb. It got me thinking about the choices I made when I was his age. If I knew then what I know now, my life could have turned out totally different. This blog is dedicated to my nephew and all teens out there. Maybe something I say will help at least one kid. 


Teen Life Lesson #1 for Girls: Respect yourself!!! You are the most important person in your life. Just because you are a girl, don't give you the right to be stupid. I was brought up in a different time. Women were suppose to do as the man told them to do.  It is not that way now.  I love this thing they call Girl Power. You have a brain, and statistically at this age you are smarter than boys. If you want to be a strong, independent person, start now.  If your friends are telling you something that just don't sit right with you, that is called instinct. That is your brain telling you don't do this. Listen to it. If your friends are trying to push you, they are not your friends.  You are your own person, not part of the crowd. We are called individuals for a reason. Pick a path and follow your instincts, they will never let you down. 


Teen Life Lesson #1 for Boys: Respect yourself!!! That is so funny, same as the girls. The choices you make now will reflect the man you will become. You have instincts just the same as girls, if it don't feel right, don't do it.  "If your friends are all jumping off a cliff, are you going to?"  Unless you are an adrenaline junkie, your answer should be no.  You have so much to look forward to. Have enough respect for yourself to not follow the crowd.  If your friends don't respect your decisions, then they become someone you use to hang out with.  On the same note, don't be arrogant, but have pride. If you are doing good in school, yes be proud of that. Even better, help someone that isn't doing so good. If your friend isn't that good at sports, help them find out what is right for him.  The true test of a man is, if you can look in the mirror and be proud of the man looking back at you. 


Teen Life Lesson #2: Your parents are not the enemy.  If you took the time to talk to your parents, ask questions, you would be surprised.  Here is some homework for you to do. Ask your Mom or your Dad, or who ever you live with, a question. Now here is the fun part, ask an off the wall question. Something that will make them laugh, yet make them have to think about it. You see, this opens up a line of communication, so when you have a serious question to ask them, it might not be so hard.  Your parents or the adult you live with need to laugh every now and then. My kids would totally catch me off guard with questions like that. It is also fun to watch your parents have a brain freeze.(my kids made it an art) 


Teen Life Lesson #3: You are not an adult. If your not old enough to be a parent, don't become one. I was a teenage parent. I was 16 and had my first kid. I can tell you from experience, it's not as glamorous as T.V. makes it out to be. This is for both boys and girls. Guys, do you want to pay child support for the next 18 years and not watch your kids grow up? Girls, do you want to give up all you hopes and dreams?  I wish I had listened to what people were telling me at 16. If you are not having sex, you cant get pregnant or get someone pregnant, plus you wont get some ugly problem that you will have to deal with the rest of your life. If you are having sex, STOP!!!!! If you don't stop, don't be stupid.  Have enough respect to protect the both of you.  I hope the parents who read this take the time to talk about sex with their kids. The more you are informed, the smarter choices you will make. If I sound a bit preachy, it is because if I had waited, my life would have been different. Life is hard enough, don't make it harder.


Teen Life Lesson #4: Go outside!!!!  Life is not in a video game or cell phone. Find something to do that requires moving your ass. Start up a snow ball fight, get your friends together for kickball or softball, play a game of hoops, something.  Homework again. For the guys, there is a great movie out there you should watch, it's called The Sandlot.  Watch it!!! For the girls, the movie Now and Then. The time period that these movies are about, shows that kids didn't sit inside playing video games, didn't have cell phones attached to their ear or sit on facebook all day. Go for a walk with your friends, get out the bike or stakeboard and get out of the house for a while.  Life is so much more fun when you are on the move. (your mom and dad would appreciate the quiet time)


Now these are just a few.  I wanted to get the hard ones out of the way. I have a lot more, and I promise they will be fun to read. If you have any topic you want me to look into for you, I will be glad to take request. 

Women Just Deal With It

 Here we are again, thinking about the kids, thinking about Bill.(he's in Richmond for the race this weekend) I have the whole house to myself, and here I sit writing this blog today. I'm in the funny sarcastic mood today. Yes, this is Bitch day, life lessons in the art of bitchiness. 

Life Lesson # 97: It is best to say nothing when your verbal filter is full of shit.  In other words, if you cant say something nice about someone, come sit next to me. Sometimes we want to just tell someone what we think about them or what they are doing.  It is best to say nothing and avoiding jail or the hospital. (I would be going to jail)


Life Lesson #50: Tan fat looks better than white fat any day. I go tanning, it is what I do. My husband likes it, I like it, that is all that matters to me.  If you want to do it, go ahead. Do it for yourself, you could get the spray on tan, make sure you shop around for that. I am not promoting it. This is just my opinion.


Life Lesson #37: The Karma bus stops here. Have you ever said to your kids, " You just wait until you have a teenager" My oldest son is going to find out the hard way. I am not saying my granddaughters are bad, (they are really good girls) but.....  Now he will know what I went though, and my mother went through and so on and so forth. Karma plays a very big roll here. Ladies, sit back and laugh, for you knew this was going to happen. Karma is a bitch, and her name is (___________)<-------Insert name here.


Life Lesson # 6: Assume every man is an Asshole until they prove otherwise. This way you can never be disappointed. Your attitude should be that of a confident strong woman. My philosophy is simple, don't settle. You work hard, so should they. You know how to compromise, so should they. It is not a competition, rather a partnership. As far as the assumptions, it's always nice when they prove you wrong. I was very surprised when I met my husband. I have been happily married for 9 years now.  We don't fight, we debate, hardly ever a real argument. Sometimes, you don't need to be a bitch. 


Life Lesson # 98: Know when to be a Bitch.  This one has a big gray area. Every now and then, someone will piss you off to no end. Most times, you can avoid ripping someones face off. Other times, well lets just say, if they push you that far...... This refers back to rule #97.  Don't bitch at your husband just because he it there. If you are having a bad day, warn him. (if you warn him, sometimes you get nice things)There are those times when you need to be a bitch, my mother always said pick and choose your battles. Avoid the battles is what I say. Unless it is going to cause harm to your life or lifestyle, Let it ride. 


Life Lesson # 3: Don't deny your craziness. If you are as nuts as me, embrace it, have fun with it, let your craziness show. At least this way, you will laugh once a day, or make someone else laugh. You don't always have to be in control, let it out and see how much your attitude changes. Make goofy faces at your kids, give your husband or boyfriend a wink and smile for no reason. Or you could do what my daughter does. Call up your mom and start singing some stupid song, that she wont get out of her head all day (thanks Sheryl) Everyone needs a good laugh.


I guess this is about being a bitch without all the bitchiness that goes with it. We all have our moments where it is just impossible to be polite all the time, the trick is bite your tongue and bide your time. Karma has a way of redeeming you for being the right kind of Bitch.










  

Mom, Get the Hell Out of My Head

So I started thinking about something my oldest said to me a while back.  He was talking to his daughter about something she did wrong, and he was thinking about the best way to explain why she was wrong. I got a phone call that night, him telling me he was pissed off at me.  I didn't do anything so why was he mad?  He said he heard my voice in the back of his mind, and found the right words to say to his daughter. That's why he was mad.  He also said   " Mom, get the hell out of my head"


Life lesson #18: Your mothers voice will always nag you.  No matter how hard you try, it will never go away. So when you are at a loss for words, kids driving you nuts, that voice will creep up on you. Don't be surprised when it happens, and don't tell your mom they were right, they already knew.


Life lesson #52 :  You are always wrong in the eyes of a teenager.  You can be right until you are blue in the face, screaming at the top of your lungs, ready to commit your child to an insane asylum. Still you are wrong. Just wait, Lesson #18 will kick in when they have kids of their own. Then they will have another reason to curse you.  Revenge is sweet. 


Life lesson #93: Facebook is not your friend.  If you want to post something, post something stupid and goofy, never about the bad day you are having. Never let the world see you sweat.  Saying you are having a bad day is just like blood in shark infested waters. If you need to vent, do what I do, write a blog. 


Life lesson #44: Age is a matter of mind, if you don't have a mind, it don't matter.  I learned this after the birth of child number five. I will be ageless because I lost my mind years ago.  I works for me, it might work for you.


Life lesson #9: Been there, done that.  My kids tried to pull the wool over my eyes all the time. I loved the deer in the headlights look that they would give me when I would call them on it. Priceless!!  Call them on it every chance you get, at least for the look on their faces. Its good for a laugh or two.


Life lesson #10: Never say never.  I hear all the time "My kid would never do that" Yet they do the exact thing you think they wont. I also hear the old stand-by "My kid wouldn't lie to me"  Sorry to burst your bubble, if a kid is 13 to 18 years old, they lie to you at least once a day. I should know, I raise five of the little liars.  It's not always bad the lies they tell, but lies none the less.  Don't worry, their kids will do it to them. Then you can just sit back and smile.


Well I have had fun remembering what I was told when I was a young parent, and in turn have told my kids.  What would we do without our parents? I know some kids would say FREEDOM!!!! In the end, they still are your kids and you are still their parents.  Just remember, it takes patience, understanding and sometimes Vodka. 

Kids and Crap

I was sitting here on this cold and gray day, with nothing to do.  Thinking about my kids as they were growing up. When ever something would go wrong in their lives, or they got into trouble. (the trouble wasn't really bad) I would always say life lesson number whatever.  So here are just a couple of life lessons. 

Life lesson Number 1 for men:  Women are inherently evil. Yes it is painful but true. We will do whatever it takes to get what we need or want.  Now I am not saying that it is all bad, we do what we have to do. It does come across evil at times. Most women are also sadist, we will twist you, turn you, tie you into knots, chew you up and spit you out, and not think twice about it. That is just how we roll. On the other hand, would men have it any other way? I think not.

Life Lesson Number 2: Murphy's law is real. If it can go wrong, it will go wrong and most of us are powerless to stop it.  The trick is, roll with it.  If you cant stop it, control the damage, and lick your wounds.

Life Lesson Number 45: Shit happens, no matter where you go or what you do. Shit happens.  It may not be happening to you, but someone else is having it happen right this very minute. Don't worry though, it will be your turn soon enough.

Life Lesson Number 61: Infants turn into monsters. It takes about 13 to 15 years, but it happens.  Its called puberty.  They get mean and nasty, you ask who are you and what have you done to my sweet child?  You will never get an answer. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. They grow up, grow out of it and move out. Then you turn your grandchildren into little monsters.  That's the beauty of it.  Revenge.

Life Lesson Number 17: No matter how hard they try, children always move back home at least once. It is like getting invaded by in-laws.  You walk on egg shells for about the first week, then the gloves come off and you tell them you are really getting on my last nerve.(when its your kids, they did that years ago so your use to it) That is when you put your foot down and say politely, Get the hell out of my house. 

I hope you enjoyed the life lessons. more to come in the future.